He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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