you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
