PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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