oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
