i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
