Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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