All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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