Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
