There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
