if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
