Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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