Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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