I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
they need to just BURY HIM!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
