I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
