His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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