i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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