my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
