So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
two words...techno handjob
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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