Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
