the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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