Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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