the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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