In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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