dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
