And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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