so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
