Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Randomize
