oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my shit smells like andre
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Someone came in the potted fern
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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