the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
