She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
