Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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