Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
