Tell her she can't have a vagina
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
