I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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