Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
