she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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