i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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