Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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