Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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