There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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