My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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