I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Sober January is a disaster.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
be right there i have to get my cape
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
