We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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