ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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