Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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