I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
