everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
