I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
