I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
