im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
