dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
