The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
