My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I could make wine with my vomit
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
