three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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