i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
