Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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