I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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