FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I did not marry a roomba.
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