I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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