im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Less talking, more tequila
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
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We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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