Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
