Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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